i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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