lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
