so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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