Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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