there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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