Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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