Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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