Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
