so explain again why im purple
no
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
