How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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