Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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