The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Your cock deserves a montage
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
