Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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