'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i've created a new STD.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
