My sheets look like a crime scene.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
