her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
