He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
