I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
All the doctor said was why
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
