Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
