you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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