3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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