I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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