I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
