1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize