He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
