i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
