We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
