I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
