I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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