Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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