He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
