So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
