I smell stomach acid.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
