I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
