if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
