i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
