I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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