Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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