they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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