Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just tell him i said nine months
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
