I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
