thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
