Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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