checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Can I color on your dick again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
