I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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