You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
