Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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