To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
