i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize