He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize