i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
