You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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