No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
