I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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