Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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