I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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