I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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